suicide

I want to make the pain of not having my son anymore.i drove him away he lives with his aunt. I didn't have him as a baby I lost custody of him because docs. I year and a half it took me to win him back. Now February of this I lost him again I'm heartbroken I drove him away with my mental disorders. I just finished a visit I want my son back he was 15,in february.im crying it's so hard to see him have a new life. Without me. I want too pain to stop I want to kill myself to make the pain stop. Tim and the kids are hurt just as me that Byron abandoned us. If I wasn't here Tim and 4kids.would be able too live together without me in picture. Don't have funeral money. They want Tim said on last Saturday when I wanted him to take the kids to balacias party so I can kill myself and not have them find me. Living in a run down caravan not having all my kids is destroying my mental health. Not be able to afford a house to rent or buy not having all my kids is breaking my heart everyday I think about cutting my wrists a few times day. I'm on 3 depression tablets. Since I was 15 I have tried over 30 different types stay on them for months. Nothing works. I just want to end the pain. I can't do this anymore it hurts to breathe no house my eldest boy gone what the point of surviving because this is not living laying in bed all day destructing my brain..I'm going to try and buy and sell.things to make money for a home for the 6of us. I'm already selling homemade goods on my Facebook page. But really what's the point of trying to make money it not going to happen need to raise $50000 for house loan. But not going to happen since I fail at everything I touch which is why I kill myself and make Tim and kids lives better without me 

support

Im trying so hard not ask for help because my family like to not right to ask for help. Im trying to sell items for a home and none are buying i just want support that they can see im trying.

hd fucking sucks

My brain is screaming inside my head. I can't take living in ran down caravan which will never be completed. My car needs work she stuffed from pulling caravan for 4 years. Our new truck needs work to make it legal couple of grand yo fix all problems. I can't handle being out bush it's either too hot or muddy rain. I can't handle all the dirt that comes inside. Whither it's outside or inside its everywhere. I hate bush showers it's not nice too shower in dirty muddy dirt shower. It does my head in most days i don't want to shower and have a bush shower makes my head yelling crying i can't take this anymore. We can't move in house no bond rent to high not enough houses for rent around Toowoomba area. And we don't have a deposit for aboriginal house loan. Most days i just want to kill myself the madness in my head is winning. 

living in a caravan stuck in the middle of qld bush

I can't handle living in middle of bush with mud showers caravan that need work. The 27th ft isn't nearly finished it complete crap a mix so many things need fixing plus we keeping find different mess the last owner did. We just do have money. We don't have shower toliet hot water. Everything lookd shit cause need to fix most of timber. 3 yrs we have bèen travelling qld but when covid hit we were in sapphire fossicking we used all our money getting there and couldn't afford caravan park so we asked the owner on the private property if we could caretake the property. Dad went to dr about his hips they both needed replacing, we were told a year but he has been on rockhampton hospital waiting list since last yr i took h to rocky to see the doctor 1st hip will be done then he gets 6 months check up if that goes well the 1 yr they will do the 2nd hip. We still waiting. Because of covid the crappy hospital are even more crappy. Never-ending cycle. We are stuck here waiting. My depression ocd anxiety panic attacks are so out of control i have suicidal thoughts i can't handle the mess we live in it's ether sricky hot in 40 to 50 degrees or wet flooding mud. I have to walk to our bush shower in the mud i don't want to shower it's too had in my brian i even had to cut my really long hair because it wasn't getting brushed. All i do is stay in bed all day and watch tv and be on my phone because i can't handle the mess i just try to get through the day. Im not living or surviving.  We are trying to move closer to our families on Toowoomba but we can't afford rent or get a house. My eldest son was driven away by me  he started living with his aunt in Toowoomba because he said finding a job would be better in big city. But we were back tim told me that ksbyron said if it wasn't for tim byron would of left me ages ago. It breaks my heart. It still hurts all i want to be down closer to our families which both are from Toowoomba. So we can have a stable home have somewhere to park the caravan and fix it right up which would be easier if we don't have to live in while foxing it. We heard about aboriginal home loans but since we don't have deposit they haven't connected us. We didn't know we could apply. All we need is a really sml precentes . If we buy a home with the loan we could have a stable loving home and our son byron would come home. I even started a fundraising platform but nothing happrnrd. I can't live in a caravan full-time any more i need room for my disability aids i need my own bed tim could sleep in his own because iall i do is talk hit kick. I need a area to be when im sick all night and keep waking tim. I need a home with a working hot water toilet because I have dirrehea and vomiting alot from my food allergies. I need a door on my room so i can block out all the noice of kids and pets. I need area that is different from my bed to sit on. I can't handle mentally in caravan my suicidal thought are really bad. Weither its the caravan or my car or our truck something breaks. Have been so old. I need a hous4 with sound of the genie noice. All i want is home with all my kids. And tim to live out my life and let tim grow old in where our grandchildren will come over. Not much but if i don't get it soon im afraid ill kill myself. Im 38 now i will died age 50 like the rest of my hd family members. Fucking Huntington's disease is horrible thing to have.

my hair i had to cut was long but i couldn't look after anymorei will alwayss miss my hair it was my identity my whole life and my sould is broken

dream to win a home

Want too win so badly i have a brains disease callef Huntington's disease we live in a caravan full-time in thr middle of the bush sapphire qld. Can't handle being in it anymore need a home that i can have disability aids. Need a stable home for our family of 6 near Brisbane for doctors and Toowoomba for all our families. I love sunshine coast. But rental markets are why we can more back closer to doctors. I brought 30tickets for my birthday to win this is all i wanted to chance to make my dream come true to make a difference for my kids futures. Fingers crossed prayers done.

my oldest son

I don't know how i did it but i drove my son away. I'm so heartbroken he chose to life with his aunty and uncle. We feel bartered like it was there plans for awhile. I don't understand what i done i try to keep my mood swings under control i have 26+ depression tablets for 20plus years nothing works. I thought we were doing good our kids had a pretty good childhood. I hope one day he will realise that and know i love him unconditionally. 

please help us

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/275660/help-us-make-our-dream-come-true-of-buying-a-home

never-ending

We need 2 new axles for our caravan which we live full time. We registered in caravan in September so we could travel the many kilometres to Toowoomba for a family wedding. We had problems with 1 bearing. Had to  fix asap so we could m ove into next camp ground which was 1 4YDweek drive 30kms out of Toowoomba. We ended up broke down not far from Toowoomba on the side of highway while hubby went got the bearing. At dalby we had to replace the other 2 bearing. Just to make it home. Since being home we have had a lot of trouble with our batteries not charging or the solar panels trouble. Not having our fridge working. We didn't realise our fridge not working the day after our weekly food shop. Our food went off no money for a week. Not working was the problem cause our solar keep burning fuse out. The local solar guy was away only got to talk to him today and now tim knows what went wrong and how to fix. The guy said it would be $1500 to buy parts and fix it. Tim looked online found the parts but not much cheaper. Then today found out our axle need fixing tim is trying to find a cheaper way but not having a choice going the cheap way and if he Can borrow a bigger generator too use the welder to weld together parts which he is using which parts we have here and no brakes. The guy in emerald wants $750 each axle. It it's the safest and quickest way to have axle that way it done for once and all. Of course it rains tonight with axle out. Everything is such a puzzle. 

We have had the caravan for over year and half now we still have so much to do 

Table and 2 chairs 

Tv cupboard so it raises when needed 

Shelf in clothes area 

Door board

Screen for windows and doors 

Hot water system 

Shower and toilet area needs finishing 

Shoes rack

Our floor are as old as the caravan need some linoleum 

Need a good pet vacuum 

Not much to mention lots and lots of under coat and paint over all the new and old bit which needs lots of Borg to fill up all the holes 

Need to put our solar panels on the roof 

Need storage containers for food and things for kitchens so it's organised fit better

And so on 

We really want to be with family for Christmas it's been so long since we had Christmas together with so many kilometres between us. Even booked a week with 2 sisters to spend Christmas time and not far from all our families. But with the axle problems i don't see it happening and solar problem we live out in the bush we run generator at daytime only solar should keep everything that needs it running but we don't have the money too fix solar power problems. 

My car needs looking at it's making funny noise it was broken down for 5 weeks this year and now needs more help. If it wasn't on car loan i would get rid of it. We need a car badly being in the bush. We have had to use app to pay for things for the caravan and car too pay-off the money to keep everything going. 

Having Huntington's is so bad the u add more stress everything day is a battle too be alive. I don't want to get out of bed most morning let alone take care of things.

I don't even know how we are going to pay Christmas for my 4 beautiful babies 

Being a mama is a wonderful but the stress of giving them things they need clothes shoes food not to mention the stress of keeping them safe from terrible people and animals that could hurt them out here. I'm failing every day I'm so stressed thinking about all the things they need too be clothed feed  we survived on noddles and toastie not much food the bed keeps getting mouldy can't afford fresh bread from servo 

Every week I think don't worry next week wil be better but that never happened. We got 5 payments  behind in the car loan to help but it was never enough.

My life is a never-ending shit storm that will never end. My depression aren't working they never have simce age 16 20 different ones. I have hope i use to have it but broke just like everything else. 

Christmas magic is so special I love Christmas everything the movies family food santa church and this year i just want to bury head and run away. I'm normally watch movies before Halloween decorations up after and look forward to all the Christmas spirit and magic makes my heart flutter. 

Please heavenly father make this Christmas surrounded by our multi families eating laughing and being happy Amen

I went so badly for mum chrildren to be together for the Christmas spirit ' so when she is watching from heaven she always had to be happy with all the stupid people in there lives to stop and let all her children to be happy not just for Christmas but year around. Amen 

darkness

If feel so lost i don't want to live anymore the darkness in my head is so bad i want to kill myself. 

We live in the Middle of Queensland in the bush 1 hr from small town 5hrs from big city. 

I my living situation is the white caravan is for sleeping the 3 kids and tim it's a mess

The pink caravan sleeps me a byron until tim finished the white caravan beds. But we still cook wash up watching tv everything in the annexe of pink caravan. We all a split up plus we have a garden shed for the  the bush shower and toilet plus car crap plus plastic bottle washing. It's a bush shower with so many problems( pumps broken hoses shower head). Has so many spiders open windows dirt gound mess rubbish everywhere the wind is horrible. We have 3 1000ltr pods on back of truck for our water. We refill at the nearest council fill up sometime we don't have the $15 to fill them up so we go back too our 3 60ltr drums we were using before the we had the pods. The truck we brought last year to do up so it could tow the caravan but it was going to cost thousands to fix and $2000 to register it. So it sits with the 3 water pods. 

We have a pink caravan we built from groud up but it was never big enough and has no running water. The shower area is next to our bed only have a small area too get out of bed. It was never finished properly the paint around the kitchen sucks can't clean it properly. There is no cooking area or table inside to  sit at. We do everything in the annexe which was a trap to start with at the beginning. The annexe has so much white and black mould and leaks now from us trying too clean it. After cleaning it still looks the same. So the summer its really really hot and in the winter its freezing no heating or cooling we only have a generator which is turned on about 8am and turned off 7pmish. We do everything in the annexe with cook table camping chairs that are uncomfortable and breaking all the time. It flood here a few months ago and it was as high as a 44 gallon drum. We have been in this area for around a year. We were supposed to be here for 3months for fossicking permit. Then covid hit and the government closed all fossicking permits so the police keeped coming telling us to move on and we didn't have money to move on since we used our pay to get here and couldn't afford caravan parks. So when the police came again and told us to move on without fail. We thought of we could ask the guy who own the property next too the fossicking area and he said yes we could stay for a bit. Then dad went to the doctors and got scans done he found out he needed 2 hip replacements could be up for 12months or more than 6months after for recovery.  So we asked the owner if we could stay until dad gets hips done, he said yes. So we decided to put the kids back into school since home-schooling wasn't working. Then we brought a white caravan to do up as our home since it was bigger 3 sections kids at front dining and kitchen in Middle section parents bed in the last section no toilet or shower. I can't live without toilet (i have ibs and food allergies which make me sit on the toilet for hours and multiple times a day. Sometimes it get messy so i need a shower close to wash off)So we once again stole room out off our section for the toilet and shower area next too our bed. We have had the white caravan for a year but no money for it. It needs a few more things build and painting and needs hot running water for washing up and shower. I really want the caravan don't but we are stuck for money. We need it done for September hoilday for a family member wedding. Need it done and registered. We won't have enough money i don't have hope it will be completely fully.

My car was broken down for 4 weeks so much money went into it for parts we ended fixing 5 things before it won't start plus the money I spent before that on tires and parts. 

Which all this was going on my son eye had two different things wrong the specialist wanted him down to Brisbane with 24hrs they have been going for months. Specialist flight staying down there lots of foods thank god the flight and hotel was paid for through government but they spent $200 on food for 2 days. He has to have 2different drops every hour for week and a cream at night. They are going down again tomorrow too Brisbane specialist to see how hus eyes are going since we had too put off his Brisbane appointments until our car was broken-down.

Dad paid for a car after 2 weeks with our car broke down cause we couldn't get food or do the school runs. We live too far to the service station bus stop in sapphire. It's was too far ti walk it took tim and byron all day to walk just for bread or mail or to borrow a vehicle to go into emerald. 

I have volunteered in tuckshop this year so beth could experience having a parent in tuckshop we did it for the other 3 kids.

I have been attending p n c so i no what is going one this school sucks at commutation. I feel like what i do for this school is never enough i feel they just don't care. I can't sit in some chairs because i feel a burning pain that shots up my spine.  I can't stand for long from my lower back pain i have since a teen. I have a spur on both feet. My tailbone has a spur on it and hurts if I'm not sitting right. I have muscle cramps in my legs. I can't always so up for things because i have been up all night with dirrehea or not sleeping or sleeping wrong and having  my neck sore with migraine. Or my allergies. Mylife is complicated. And painful

I had a cold for week which turned into bronchitis i have 2 lots of antibiotics and im still not better. My doctor only works in emerald on Friday so i need to see if I can get back in this friday i have been sick for a month now and haven't been in tuckshop because of the sickness. 

I'm over the bush shower and mould not being in one caravan as a family. I feel like killing myself everyday or cutting myself i have burnt my arm twice to make to emotional better. Being out in the bush without out family members except dad is hard not having support ir too support them with the crap going on with them all. I'm one of 4 siblings and tim has 2 siblings and his parents which need help since age is getting them. We have been travelling for 2 years before being suck here in the bush. The worst decision was it left out home and travel Australia until Huntington's disease was so bad i needed to be near doctors i wanted to see this beautiful country but we have had anything but troubles for start. I wish we had not i thought we could travel for cheap and stay cheap camps or free camping. Since we didn't finish our caravan fully we have had so much troubles it's like bush camping no running water everything is in annex it sucks when it rains mud mud mud muddy everything is muddy. Can't even eat or watch tv together when something happens too the annexe area. Can't handle the mess with my ocd. 

So the worst problem of my whole life is  im 165kgs. I have put on 20kgs just from being in the bush not having any things to do out here. No shopping just once a week and sometimes i don't even go. I went to tuckshop for a few times but then got sick. There is nothing out here to do or no money to go too rockhampton to shop or go to beach which is 5hrs. At least when we were travelling we would go shopping 3 days just to get out or beaches or swimming areas that were free. I do nothing all day i sit in my chair from the time i get up and go to bed watching tv and playing games on my phone for distractions. I'm so scared to go outside im so scared of what is out there(snakes and spiders are bad out here) 

I have tried so much over the yeqrs to loss weight i have tried pills, exercise machine, exercise machine in front of tv, not eating bad food, i spent thousands on gym memberships, the only time i loss weight was when i loss 40kgs from my food allergies where i couldn't keep anything in my system spent to much time on the toilet. I was so bad the looked into both ends to see in my tummy nothing was found. I man told me to go see a dietician and start a low formap eating plan. I did and put the weight back on within 6months. Nothing i try to loss weight stick longer the a month food was to expansive so i stopped and stayed on the cheap options like potatoes chips and chocolate. Since we are so poor we don't do expensive cooking sausage mash or pasta. 2 mins noddles alot or mince. I'm emotional eater so i can't help it. I snack so much with cheap things. I don't have money for the good food so cheap that don't upset my tummy. I have GORD really bad since i was young. I have ibs, pcso, food allergies, back, pain spurs ,tailbone spur, syatic pain, migraine, plus depression panic attacks anxiety irritation ocd balance problems fear stress mood swings social phobia darkness dropping everything all the time 

I want lap band surgery so could loss weight and be a better me play with my kids. Feel better about myself. I tried get it through qld health for free but at the time they said no because i don't have diabetes that was back when we were in the house. I'm a 165kgs and live in the bush so i can even try again cause it would take years. If they even say yes which u doubt. I can't afford health insurance i don't even have funeral insurance.  I would do anything too have the money too have the money and have the surgery so i could have a better life a longer life with my kids. Huntington's disease is killing me slowly but if i was a healthy weight i could live better and run with my young kids.  Being obese is why i have such darkness it affects my whole life and not having hope anymore.  I wouldn't feel so much suicidal everyday it would change my world. 

Im not living i just surviving most days

I wish someone would pay for my lapband surgery so much so i could live not just survive.  I prayer i get it done.

Too be a better person mama wife. To be happy that what I really want lapband surgery would make me happy