suicide

I want to make the pain of not having my son anymore.i drove him away he lives with his aunt. I didn't have him as a baby I lost custody of him because docs. I year and a half it took me to win him back. Now February of this I lost him again I'm heartbroken I drove him away with my mental disorders. I just finished a visit I want my son back he was 15,in february.im crying it's so hard to see him have a new life. Without me. I want too pain to stop I want to kill myself to make the pain stop. Tim and the kids are hurt just as me that Byron abandoned us. If I wasn't here Tim and 4kids.would be able too live together without me in picture. Don't have funeral money. They want Tim said on last Saturday when I wanted him to take the kids to balacias party so I can kill myself and not have them find me. Living in a run down caravan not having all my kids is destroying my mental health. Not be able to afford a house to rent or buy not having all my kids is breaking my heart everyday I think about cutting my wrists a few times day. I'm on 3 depression tablets. Since I was 15 I have tried over 30 different types stay on them for months. Nothing works. I just want to end the pain. I can't do this anymore it hurts to breathe no house my eldest boy gone what the point of surviving because this is not living laying in bed all day destructing my brain..I'm going to try and buy and sell.things to make money for a home for the 6of us. I'm already selling homemade goods on my Facebook page. But really what's the point of trying to make money it not going to happen need to raise $50000 for house loan. But not going to happen since I fail at everything I touch which is why I kill myself and make Tim and kids lives better without me