Thursday, January 04, 2024

update for last year im over it never want to wake up again

The last 2 years has been hell on us. We has car troubles truck troubles caravan troubles. We haven't been able to move caravan AFrame broke. This Christmas was the 2nd without byron. He abandoned us and never coming home no matter how many times we asked him we had no control over him since he left, he doesn't connect any of us. I tried being strong but im too broken now. We live in the qld bush off grid no cooling no heating no running hot/cold water no toilet/shower inside little solar but need bigger new batteries so our fridge doesn't get warm temperature inside overnight we only have 1tiny car fan plus 2 small trough caravan our caravan isn't bug proof during the night they come through for lights tv phone screens so at night after generator's turned off at 8.30pm the bugs are annoying on our phones getting up my nose ears having to kill them instead of relaxing reading my book on my phone. During the day it the flies that are annoying wake me up in morning annoying dying day .between bugs flies spiders there is no break no relax time .not good for my mental health im not sleeping because of the heat here like having summer 9 months of the year. Im going crazy with all our money problems last year with fixing car and truck Never-ending money problems once something fixed another problem happens we missed grandma 80th birthday because we didn't have a ride down too Toowoomba Never-ending money problems we have been trying all year to fix our caravan so we can go travel see our son but as usual more problems we told rodney we were ready for our Aframe to be fixed he measured order steel which was $400 over what we thought  then we had to wait for him to be free to work 2 to 3 days while he was fixing it they found crack in truck towbar so another job needed fixing all up $3000 caravan/towbar. And because we didn't have any deposit 2 weeks before Christmas tim had to sign contract saying if we don't pay by april it will be put through business at price over $4000 and handed too debt collectors. All while this was going on our fridge stopped working food was off, so we had to find caravan fridge in desert at $450 was the only one i asked person selling if we could pay off $100 aweek since it was Christmas with kids. We still have $150 to go.first Christmas photo without byron so i didn't want tim n i in it like normal. We didn't make Christmas but we left on the 28th it spend late Christmas with byron 100km from home we were towing caravan with truck we had a grinding sound tim pulled over we didn't have 3 and 4th gears it was tim gearbox so we nursed home opened it up it broken so we waiting for local truck mechanic to openup and have look and see if he can fix it or we have to order new one online. All we wanted was 2 weeks away from this hell too see our son and families. We have so many things to pay for right now and back to me plus mione 16th is April she wants to go to seaworld swim with dolphins. All these problems are here can't help but be overwhelmed and exhausted from not sleeping in this heat. I planned my suicide and even told tim wrote the notes i can't leave this hell we are trapped here and I can't take it anymore. Im done i only hope my family helps with my funeral. Im waiting for centrelink loans to pay rodney in 2 weeks than im done i was meant to have funeral insurance but it didn't happen. We were meant to be out of this hell 2 years but as always we don't achieve anything we need or want i even tried selling jewellery but sold none last year which means nobody likes it. Im over not being near family or same town of my son,or being near my doctor please physiotherapists i like, living in the bush hell nothing to do or see or bad health care systems out here. Over the heat bugs spiders snakes over incomplete caravan my ocd is not coping.  My hubby even had has 1st mental breakdown last year in the 17yrs of marriage.  We all over the heat and my dad bullshit he going to be forever because he can't see the real truth come up with and actual working plan he can't see the truth he believes he going to fix bus and trailer but he hasn't done in it since he first started 8years ago. He won't start now he too sick and depressed. Snaps at us all. We been here nearly 4years because of covid and both his hips need replacing but only 1 has been done. Stupid government health care system suck so bad. 
So with our Never-ending problems money we tried so hard to tidy up our area and just have our caravan look after so we can leave this place for good. But nothing happens we need our caravan until we can get into disability home in Toowoomba or seq 
Nobody cares i have nothing to do so i watch tv all day eat myself to death no family no friends out here i tried but no im nothing but a burden to everyone 
I'm sorry im such a failure I'm sorry I'm not sorry enough 

i plan my death

I over life nothing but bullshit problems i want to die so i planned my death and wrote suicide notes im done fuck huntingtons disease and mental health ccaim waiting for tim to get loans for payment some of rodney money them i gone finally i can't life in this miserable heat fucking caravan not sleeping because of the bugs at night flies in morning im done with world i hope my family helps tim kids with funeral money cause we are broke no way out im a failure at all my jobs mother sister granddaughter aunt everything I try i fail life to hard without money

Saturday, October 28, 2023

ruined family dinner

I don't want to live like this anymore. Uncompleted caravan broken car truck in desert. I can't do it any more, my dad depress in denial and cranky, my husband mental breakdown first in 17yrs so cranky, byron doesn't love me or give a shit about  me doesn't connect me, hermione is emotional she always bossy has to have it her way, wyatt smartarse getting tested for adhd. Annabeth is emotional and never listen. They are always fighting telling everyone what to do or not to do. Hitting picking on each other. The last 2 years since byron abandoned us all has been hell on earth. I don't know what to do anymore for all of us. I'm lost keep burning my arm instead of cutting make the feelings go away. I just want to die everyday i have this think. Living in bush with shit health care takes week and money for gp months for specialist. Fuck huntingtons disease. We don't have the money to get out. I wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. Can't even have family dinner without blowing up waste food money adults didn't eat. I'm so over this bullshit. So angry at dad and tim. Fucking hell i sick of the fighting here 

Saturday, December 03, 2022

No one understands what im going through my left me and never coming home left and doesn't care about he has a new life now with his aunt. They can give him everything we can't afford. We are just an after thought he has a job got 2 weeks he didn't tell us he still wouldn't had if i did ring him. He doesn't ring us or tell us anything. We don't know what going on in his live .he had a girl who cheated with his best mate he didn't tell us . Im broken and im sick of people telling me how to feel. 

Friday, October 28, 2022

can u spare $5


We live without running hot water shower toilet electricity our 12v fridge can't handle the 50+ degrees heat. Not air conditioning only 12v car fan no heating for freezing winter. Local say we have 3 month of winter 9 month of summer it so hot and not good for sick people.
Could u spare $5 to support colley family 
#suicidal #mentalhealth #huntingtonsdiseaseawareness #familylove #familyismeanttosupporteachother #curehd #life #fuckhd #everyonematters #imnotok #anxiety #depressionisnotajoke 


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Thursday, September 29, 2022

lost and broken no one cares

I don't think we will be moving back no money lots of debt, need caravan 
fixed, truck fixed, no moving money no bond or deposit for house i have only sold 7 items all up. My plans not working selling at markets and on Facebook isn't working out. Ive just failed again nothing working. Stupid me thought of i could buy some jewellery sell it make money to move back but not happing that why suck here for 3 years because we couldn't afford to move. I don't know what else I can do.

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

no hope

I'm so broken i need $1500 for caravan frame needs repairs we can't tow it and nothing I'm doing is helping  youpay said no to my Facebook page Mama Bear Fashion Accessories. 1 brought over 100 jewelry pieces to resell so we could fix caravan and have moving money so we could move back closer to families and hd doctors. I only sold 7 pieces since aug i put prices so low to get people in even have a raffle going still no luck. With my brain disease i can't work hubby my carer. All im went to have a better future for me and my kids something to get up for everyday hope for better futurea chance to change my kids lives. We can't stand it out here in the bush. Nothing to do no support 10hrs away from family. We meant be moving back once school finishes stupid my thought it was going to happen and even enrolled them into school for next year. We don't have caravan money or moving or debt paid enough we can afford a home. I don't know what to do. I'm mentally exhausted and broken i don't out of bed my darkness is bad suicidal thoughts i wish i didn't have. Thanks for the opportunity to hear my thoughts 

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

fuck huntingtons disease

All i do from time i wake until i go to bed all i do is lay down in bed not doing anything. I don't have room in caravan to do my crafts and always have put them away when kids come home. I lost alot of my craft things in flood. So with the crap i dont bother outside is too hot or dusty. Caravan is hot 9months of year. Freezing the rest. Being bush is horrible without a house or level ground protection for weather. Nothing to do being stuck here 3 years and no hope of leaving this place. Caravan needs thousands of dollars to fix A frame and a few other thing's   before we tow it again. Never-ending loop no money fix caravan no money to move back near family and doctors no money for bond or loan for a new home. Now i broken bone in foot i can't shower or toilet tim has to do sponge bath. All i do it cry i can't keep living this hell but no way out.

Thursday, August 25, 2022

no hope

I'm really depressed today no hope no money i have huntingtons disease which is brain disease i have 10 yrs left and need to move back a get a home need the rest of our families but we are to far indebt the bank won't touch us. I need a disability home for our family no rentals to expensive no home where need to go. We live in a caravan out in the bush. No hope for better future. No matter what i try to fix our lives. Im nothing but a failure

Saturday, August 13, 2022

Today is the 9th death anniversary for my mum whow had huntingtons disease. She died age 52yrs. Same horrible disease i have..but i forgot about until. 4pm today because I've been busy setting up and organising market stall too sell my jewellery product i been so focused on selling and trying to make ake money for a home. I forget it and now feel so guilty for not doing anything in her memory. I have normal traditions we do every year but not today..we live in a unfinished caravan and in the bush with bush shower. I can't live this any more keep bumping myself hurts or the falls or the hike for bush shower. We are 10hrs away from family and huntingtons disease doctors so we need to raise money to move back. I need a disability home so i want to built one for my needs or find a rental and in the market it hard to find rentals. I need lots of disability support. I tried fund raising but no one donated..so i my home made jewellery no one brought..so i thought i would buy products sell them to.make money didn't sell any on Facebook...tired to do shopify couldn't set it up and google....so organised first markets yesterday 1sale today 1 sale....i feel like a failure over and over and over again fail to be a good mum fail to provide for my kids ...my kids could have this horrible disease too... i failed mum not being there and no i failed her memory.. why because no matter how much i try i never get anywhere..im story for the long post but i thought i would post to u wonderful people...