Monday, July 01, 2013

why is dad so cruel?

Dad and I just had another fight. I put to much pepper on his dinner, so he storms off. I yell through the door that I can't do anything right. He came back in and I lost it with him, and I can never do anything right where he is concerned. I storm off to my bed and he goes out front yard where his bus is park. He comes back in to yell at me more because of the fucking pepper, so I tell him how I feel. In his eyes I can never do anything right. Then he leaves and than comes back into my room and tell me he is packing up and  moving out when he can. I tell him as he is walking out that he is very immature. Than he comes back in and starts yelling at me again telling me to get over my depression and Huntington's disease because I'm selfish person. That we all have Huntington's disease because they didn't know about at that time. And I use depression and Huntington's Disease as an excuse.That I have 3 children who love me but I treat them like shit and bad mother. Then he goes on about if Tim left me for another woman dad would be happy for Tim because I'm a bad wife and treat Tim like shit. All the time while he was yelling I was holding me pillow and keeping me mouth shut.
He has gone to far, I can't forgive him for what he said. For the last 9 months or so, I have taken too much crap from dad from being on the computer to much, to telling me I'm a bad wife and it's always my vault when Tim and I fight (Tim can never to anything bad as far as dad concern), To telling me I'm a bad mother, to telling I'm fat and need to lose a lot of weight, telling I sleep to much, to telling dinner was to cooked, or not cooked enough, to much spice, to little spice, telling me to get over or yelling at me for my germ phobia, yelling at me for me telling him not to wipe his hands on my towel, telling my house is disgusting, swearing at my kids, treating my kids like shit, complaining about the fucking shower curtain, he has such a bad temper you evoid talking or asking him anything because he will fight with you, gets upset with me when he asks for money but I tell him to talk to tim who controls our money like I should be doing it not tim, and the list goes on......

How does he except me to just get over mental illness and Huntington's Disease? He has no fucking clue with I live with daily. I'm watching my mother and wondering what I'm going to be like. I'm a person that is helping 4 people at a time and get stressed a lot, so what if some days
i don't want to get out of bed or have a shower until late afternoon. or sleep until lunch some days, I'm so tired some days that I just can't get out of bed.I have a big heart and it gets broken to much. I let people make me feel worthless.

Dad is a person who if he says the sky is gold than it is gold, don't argue with him or he will break you down and make you feel bad or you will back down to him.

I love my dad and respect him and hold my tongue. But I guess he doesn't respect me or he is still living in the past. Sometimes I think he users what mum did to him in the past against us. He talks about what mum did to him with such hatred. It hurts to hear about their relateionship but mine isn't anything like theirs. I love my husband and children more than my life and would do anything for them.

I will forgive him one day but I don't need him putting me down, I feel enough guilt daily.